And I’m enjoying every second of it.

Some thoughts.

Are not twitter worthy.

One day i’ll have a big family, and we’ll be celebrating christmas all together. 

For now, it’s just me in my room and my mom and stepdad are sleeping.

Merry Christmas. 

life, i guess.

It’s been a long time since i’ve written something on here. my head has been all over the place this semester. i’m lowkey a mess - slowly recovering. my grades are not where I want to be and i seem to not care about many things anymore. i kinda just wish everything were fine with my family. it’s not that anything is wrong - they’re all in good health and luckily have a place to stay and food to eat..it’s just my relationship with them. my mother just got married to a guy i didnt necessarily like. I have a baby sister who’s at least a month old now and i’ve yet to visit her. I’ve grown to distance myself from my family because it only brings bad memories. When we sit at the thanksgiving table im grateful for what I have but it upsets me that my sister and my father aren’t there .. it’s completely different now. I hate having to adjust..and then they’re all christian and i just feel like i can’t even relate. my mother now begins to treat me as if i was a kid — trying to do everything for me when she hasn’t realized that because she didnt do that when i was younger i grew to be independent. I kinda just want to have someone there — someone to care for me and offer me stability… i need some type of stability in my life. i’m not happy. nowhere near happy. i honestly don’t know what the next step is. i’m just going with the motions.

You tell me i’m just like my father, my one button you’re pushing.

I haven’t really been able to reflect back on this semester. It’s been tough to get back on my feet after several events. I have a new half-baby sister from my step mom and I also now have a step father. crazy.

But this semester has presented so many challenges to me and it’s crazy how everything has happened. I feel like i’ve come into my own and i’ve been able to really see the things i’m good at and have been able to take charge in regards to those areas. 

#emotionalcomment - I kinda just want to love and be loved in return. I feel like I have so much to give and offer. Everyone thinks that im talking to x345020203 girls but i’m really not. Reality is I just want to have someone there to keep me fine and sane, you know?

I miss a lot of things from the past though, I really do. Everything is just so complicated nowadays and completely not the way I would want them to be. sigh.

The semester is almost over. I need to continue to make the most of my CityMaps exerperience — I have a great opportunity here.

But, it is finals week. the blowww. 

Done.

For as long as I can remember, subconsciously I’ve felt like my purpose in this world has been fulfilled through other people. I HAVE to do everything I do for myself. I’m tired of expecting something from someone and being let down.

Starting now that’s all changing. I’m only gonna focus/give a fuck about myself and my close friends. Women…you can wait. No one has given me a reason to give myself fully. 

=/

Oh, and I just found out that my mom is getting married -_-

Sometimes I want to go back to Spring 2010. Everything was so simple and less complicated. People are complicated. I’ve tried my best.. I mean granted some fuck ups and bumps along the way but I’ve tried.. The cards just don’t usually fall in my favor. Cloudy day - reflective of my mood. Midterms are coming up. I’m not trying to crumble right now. I just got a job. What the fuck. Get it together. I thought I had it …